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I’m such an incredibly irrational person.  I mean, say for instance there’s a girl in my life and there appears to be some kind of mutual attraction.  Immediately in this situation I start thinking one of two things; I either think, holy shit, I better think of some way to make this girl want to be with me forever, or I start to think of ways to extricate myself from this situation so I never have to go thru the agony of talking to this person ever again.  Sometimes I think these things in such close proximity of each other I feel like a schizophrenic person.  To say I’m not casual is an incredible understatement.  It’s important to add here that I start thinking these things well before I’ve kissed this girl or had any sort of discussion as to how either of us is feeling.  I flip flop wildly between thinking I’m way too nuts for such a wonderful girl, to thinking, oh my god, I can’t handle listening to this neurotic person try to impress me with how smart she is.  People talk about fear of commitment as if it’s a bad thing.  That is totally insane, especially for a person like me; you see, I don’t choose who my dating partners are, I don’t see a nice looking girl and walk over to her and strike up a conversation, buy her a drink and have her write her number on my hand in ball point pen.  No, I have to jump in there when a girl is still confused by my erratic, bullshit behavior, and hope I can keep her sort of interested while at the same time not scaring the shit out of her.  My fear of commitment is one of the only rational fears I have;  I’m terrified of bed bugs, my boss, the cops, teenagers and cab drivers-- the list could go on and on.  And always at the top of my list is pretty girls, but even when things seem to be going well with a girl, I’m hugely suspicious of myself and this other person.  And for good reason.  This is potentially someone I’m going to be spending the majority of my time with.  It’s not like I’m interviewing someone to do my taxes once a year or to be my dental hygienist.  This person cannot annoy me; it’s not an option.  And god knows I’m annoying; and inconsiderate; and jealous, ill tempered and out of shape.  Somehow still, I occasionally find myself in a position where a girl briefly considers spending her free time with me in a romantic capacity.  First of all, the bravery of these women alone is commendable, but that on top of it they have to face my mindless, insecure, self-hating scrutiny is enough to drive a man insane.